Our Times (I)
I finished the very last thing I had to do for my department at the university this evening. I invigilated a special needs student, who was taking her final exam for the module I've tutored for the last seven semesters. This isn't anything new to me. I've done special needs exam duty before. I suspect the department or the university has a policy of giving such duties to graduate students or non-perm staff, in part to keep the confidentiality of the students; but I think more because they don't want to make professors feel they're wasting their time looking over just 1 student (they get assigned normal exam duties instead).
I enjoyed my time there this evening. There was just me and the student. The room was deathly quiet and deathly cold, just the way I like my rooms to be. I felt a deep sense of peacefulness there. It started first from my gut and spread upwards to my chest. I could feel my heart being tugged downwards, as though it too wanted to curl up and lie down.
I'm going to miss working at NUS. It has been a fulfilling job. I don't use words like 'fulfilling' lightly. But how else to describe that feeling I feel when students write in their emails thanking me for my guidance, the insights I've shared; that it was a great pleasure to be in my class; and how their interest in philosophy has increased. How else to describe that feeling when students I've had conversations with tell me they wish they had majored, or could major, in philosophy; that so-and-so class they took was a wonderful module and, more importantly to me, how that module has caused them to change their perspective in life.
I've had students laugh appreciatively at my jokes in class; some go on to try to be cheeky themselves, either in graded assignments or in person. I've has students challenge my views too, probing, on occasion forcing me to concede some ground, and then nodding appreciatively as I reconsolidate my position. I've had a fair number of students put forth intelligent, insightful points, points I've never thought of, points which are sharp in nature yet so gently, thoughtfully expressed. To these I usually convey my appreciation, and then push them even further.
The bottom line is, this has been an engaging job. I've been pushed at times to my intellectual limits and have generally been kept on my toes. In return I push them to theirs. I would like to think I've made a direct, real and substantive impact on some of their lives on a topic I'm comfortable, adept, and passionate in. I can't see how else to describe this other than using the word 'fulfilling'.
Of course, things are not as rosy as it might seem. I've had students playing on their handphones for the entire duration of class; students who disappear after the first tutorial; students who plagiarized or cheated in some other way; students who've tried to be subtly dismissive of class; students who insist on their views dogmatically while refusing to engage with arguments proper. I've had many awkward moments in class, especially in the morning ones when I'm usually sleep-deprived. Many a time I take things too fast and don't express myself clearly and succinctly enough.
Standing up to speak to a room of people is always draining for me. I remember having 4 hours of lessons in the same classroom one semester, from 10am to 2pm. Thankfully the classroom was located in a remote corner on the highest floor, so it had a relatively decent and thus soothing view; I always drew back the blinds to allow daylight in. I usually bought my lunch before 10am, because I knew that I would be too drained to go to a canteen full of people after the lessons to purchase my lunch. And as I ate my lunch in the empty classroom at 2pm I tended to imagine violent people storming the classroom pointing their guns at me, and I tended to think that if that were to happen I would not have moved or felt anything at all, because I was just so emotionally exhausted.
I suppose, though, that there are much worse pitfalls in any other job, much worse low points. The amount of autonomy I have - everything from creating my own lessons to grading assignments to where and how long I can take my lunch - along with the minimal bureaucracy I've had to deal with already outweighs the low points of the job. I doubt I'd be able to find this level of autonomy in any other job I take.
I'll talk a little about my next job (and consequently my next phase of life) in the next post, which likely won't come anytime soon. For now I want to note a few further things I'm going to miss. These are my times.
1) Napping at the exact same spot in the school library for the past 7 years, since I was an undergraduate; the quiet I could find in the library in the night and during the school holidays too.
2) Hanging out in the spacious, air-conditioned graduate room, by myself or otherwise; having spontaneous talks with whoever was in the room. I feel comfortable speaking and joking with many of my peers and seniors; many a time we would head to the canteen for a drink or a snack.
3) The good-natured, relaxed atmosphere of the department in general. Many a time the teaching staff (both graduate students and professors alike) would haggle with the admin staff over any number of things - getting a new printer, getting preferential module timings, pushing back deadlines. In return the admin staff would push the teaching staff to keep everything orderly - documents must be submitted on time, stuff on the respective module portals must be set up in a certain way, bell-curving must be done this way. There's a healthy level of banter between the 2 groups (and within each group too), not least because there's no clear hierarchy here.
I remember many a time sauntering up to the admin office. "Yes what you want?"
"Can I do this anot, I forgot to do it your way"
"Arghhhh how many times I tell you must do it that way...Oh my god I want to die already"
"This way also seems fine leh, there's no real difference"
"Let me see. In the meantime you wanted paper isit? Come sign here"
"You got pen?"
"There"
"Ok I sign"
"Also your pay form remember to submit soon hor"
"Huh? How come must submit soon?"
"So you can get the pay by end of the month lah, you do this so long already still don't know?"
"Not important leh as long as I see got the money can already"
"K lah whatever. You sign already?"
"Yah"
"Next time do this thing properly okay?"
I enjoyed my time there this evening. There was just me and the student. The room was deathly quiet and deathly cold, just the way I like my rooms to be. I felt a deep sense of peacefulness there. It started first from my gut and spread upwards to my chest. I could feel my heart being tugged downwards, as though it too wanted to curl up and lie down.
I'm going to miss working at NUS. It has been a fulfilling job. I don't use words like 'fulfilling' lightly. But how else to describe that feeling I feel when students write in their emails thanking me for my guidance, the insights I've shared; that it was a great pleasure to be in my class; and how their interest in philosophy has increased. How else to describe that feeling when students I've had conversations with tell me they wish they had majored, or could major, in philosophy; that so-and-so class they took was a wonderful module and, more importantly to me, how that module has caused them to change their perspective in life.
I've had students laugh appreciatively at my jokes in class; some go on to try to be cheeky themselves, either in graded assignments or in person. I've has students challenge my views too, probing, on occasion forcing me to concede some ground, and then nodding appreciatively as I reconsolidate my position. I've had a fair number of students put forth intelligent, insightful points, points I've never thought of, points which are sharp in nature yet so gently, thoughtfully expressed. To these I usually convey my appreciation, and then push them even further.
The bottom line is, this has been an engaging job. I've been pushed at times to my intellectual limits and have generally been kept on my toes. In return I push them to theirs. I would like to think I've made a direct, real and substantive impact on some of their lives on a topic I'm comfortable, adept, and passionate in. I can't see how else to describe this other than using the word 'fulfilling'.
Of course, things are not as rosy as it might seem. I've had students playing on their handphones for the entire duration of class; students who disappear after the first tutorial; students who plagiarized or cheated in some other way; students who've tried to be subtly dismissive of class; students who insist on their views dogmatically while refusing to engage with arguments proper. I've had many awkward moments in class, especially in the morning ones when I'm usually sleep-deprived. Many a time I take things too fast and don't express myself clearly and succinctly enough.
Standing up to speak to a room of people is always draining for me. I remember having 4 hours of lessons in the same classroom one semester, from 10am to 2pm. Thankfully the classroom was located in a remote corner on the highest floor, so it had a relatively decent and thus soothing view; I always drew back the blinds to allow daylight in. I usually bought my lunch before 10am, because I knew that I would be too drained to go to a canteen full of people after the lessons to purchase my lunch. And as I ate my lunch in the empty classroom at 2pm I tended to imagine violent people storming the classroom pointing their guns at me, and I tended to think that if that were to happen I would not have moved or felt anything at all, because I was just so emotionally exhausted.
I suppose, though, that there are much worse pitfalls in any other job, much worse low points. The amount of autonomy I have - everything from creating my own lessons to grading assignments to where and how long I can take my lunch - along with the minimal bureaucracy I've had to deal with already outweighs the low points of the job. I doubt I'd be able to find this level of autonomy in any other job I take.
I'll talk a little about my next job (and consequently my next phase of life) in the next post, which likely won't come anytime soon. For now I want to note a few further things I'm going to miss. These are my times.
1) Napping at the exact same spot in the school library for the past 7 years, since I was an undergraduate; the quiet I could find in the library in the night and during the school holidays too.
2) Hanging out in the spacious, air-conditioned graduate room, by myself or otherwise; having spontaneous talks with whoever was in the room. I feel comfortable speaking and joking with many of my peers and seniors; many a time we would head to the canteen for a drink or a snack.
3) The good-natured, relaxed atmosphere of the department in general. Many a time the teaching staff (both graduate students and professors alike) would haggle with the admin staff over any number of things - getting a new printer, getting preferential module timings, pushing back deadlines. In return the admin staff would push the teaching staff to keep everything orderly - documents must be submitted on time, stuff on the respective module portals must be set up in a certain way, bell-curving must be done this way. There's a healthy level of banter between the 2 groups (and within each group too), not least because there's no clear hierarchy here.
I remember many a time sauntering up to the admin office. "Yes what you want?"
"Can I do this anot, I forgot to do it your way"
"Arghhhh how many times I tell you must do it that way...Oh my god I want to die already"
"This way also seems fine leh, there's no real difference"
"Let me see. In the meantime you wanted paper isit? Come sign here"
"You got pen?"
"There"
"Ok I sign"
"Also your pay form remember to submit soon hor"
"Huh? How come must submit soon?"
"So you can get the pay by end of the month lah, you do this so long already still don't know?"
"Not important leh as long as I see got the money can already"
"K lah whatever. You sign already?"
"Yah"
"Next time do this thing properly okay?"
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