2004/2005
Music: Catatonia- Stone by stone
Book: ...
Two songs from them was enough to make me buy their greatest hits album. Stone by stone is a personal favourite, it's what pop should be like.
2004 just ended. It’s the new year now. Im not feeling jubilant or anything, for 3 main reasons.
One, it means the end of the holidays.
Two, celebrations are over-rated. When I was young I used to think new year’s eve and Christmas eve etc etc are causes to have wild parties and all. But Im not young anymore. Whether you call it maturity or anything else, there is something within me that tells me any exhilaration over such occasions would just be hype, unjustified, unnecessary hype. Birthdays and the like are allright, but not new year’s eve. (And even with birthdays I don’t see the point in birthday boy/girl proactively going about organizing things for themselves; the truest, happiest birthdays come from spontaneous gatherings with one’s closest friend and/or family members)
Three-- and this is the point I want to write about—it means one more year of emptiness. Allright maybe this is excessively pessimistic, for it could also mean one year closer to supposed freedom, but the point here is there’s nothing in 2005 that can be worth looking forward to.
One whole year of politeness ahead. People holding the door for you, people helping you to carry things, people helping you to buy things, people smiling to each other. Politeness is bullshit, let me tell you this. It constrains the development of a relationship to a superficial level. If I am polite towards you it just means we haven’t been able to takeoff from the mundane level of male-female diplomacy.
One whole year of being alone ahead. Walking about, doing this doing that. I realize there is a shift from nice nice chummy chummy groups in sec sch to one-to-one partnerships in college, at least in my case. Very apparent over this holidays, which has seen the vast majority of my outings consisting of one to two other individuals only. In school too, the only time when I am truly myself are times when I am with—not with a group of seemingly gayish friends—but with specific individuals.
One whole year of empty evenings ahead. One of the few things I have a strong impression of in 2004 are those times where you arrive home at 5 or 6 pm and do nothing. You’re too tired (more mentally than physically) to start on homework—whatever homework there was in the first place; I don’t seem to be able to recall doing a lot homework, only a lot of PW. It’s too close to dinner to have a satisfying sleep. So you just get on the bed and turn on the hi-fi set and laze around, maybe have a short nap. I notice I tend to have dreams /nightmares during those naps, it’s almost like 75% chance, wonder if it’s scientifically proven you have more dreams when the evening sun is shining on you and when the hi-fi set is playing your favorite music and when you’re feeling empty in a peaceful, mellow sort of way.
There are things to look forward to. For various reasons Im forecasting better relations with my classmates. The days are shorter, giving me more time to—to what?—lie on the bed and have more dreams/nightmares? Nah. There are activities to do under the evening sun. Jogs, swims, meet-ups, CIP things, maybe can even take up courses like yoga. I’ve got the resolution, I’ve got potential partners, I just hope I’ll have the energy and don’t overestimate myself.
Oh well. We’ll see how it goes, we’ll see how it goes.
This holidays has been a most unique and satisfying one. Unlike those in secondary school days, there wasnt any CCA activities or camps to take me away from my own, pure plans. Plus, where previously homework was a nagging moderator within, this time round, I didn’t bother finding out what the hw is, giving it no chance at all to reduce my pleasure in any way. For this whole 2 months I stood free from all things academic. No worries, nothing bogged me down, just pure, simple fun. It has been good. As if it were some compensation for a bad year.
Bad year this year, bad year next year, can’t wait to complete my A levels, get into the army, hopefully get into an overseas university, start doing what I want.
We should try to get into the same overseas university. It’ll be fun.
Book: ...
Two songs from them was enough to make me buy their greatest hits album. Stone by stone is a personal favourite, it's what pop should be like.
2004 just ended. It’s the new year now. Im not feeling jubilant or anything, for 3 main reasons.
One, it means the end of the holidays.
Two, celebrations are over-rated. When I was young I used to think new year’s eve and Christmas eve etc etc are causes to have wild parties and all. But Im not young anymore. Whether you call it maturity or anything else, there is something within me that tells me any exhilaration over such occasions would just be hype, unjustified, unnecessary hype. Birthdays and the like are allright, but not new year’s eve. (And even with birthdays I don’t see the point in birthday boy/girl proactively going about organizing things for themselves; the truest, happiest birthdays come from spontaneous gatherings with one’s closest friend and/or family members)
Three-- and this is the point I want to write about—it means one more year of emptiness. Allright maybe this is excessively pessimistic, for it could also mean one year closer to supposed freedom, but the point here is there’s nothing in 2005 that can be worth looking forward to.
One whole year of politeness ahead. People holding the door for you, people helping you to carry things, people helping you to buy things, people smiling to each other. Politeness is bullshit, let me tell you this. It constrains the development of a relationship to a superficial level. If I am polite towards you it just means we haven’t been able to takeoff from the mundane level of male-female diplomacy.
One whole year of being alone ahead. Walking about, doing this doing that. I realize there is a shift from nice nice chummy chummy groups in sec sch to one-to-one partnerships in college, at least in my case. Very apparent over this holidays, which has seen the vast majority of my outings consisting of one to two other individuals only. In school too, the only time when I am truly myself are times when I am with—not with a group of seemingly gayish friends—but with specific individuals.
One whole year of empty evenings ahead. One of the few things I have a strong impression of in 2004 are those times where you arrive home at 5 or 6 pm and do nothing. You’re too tired (more mentally than physically) to start on homework—whatever homework there was in the first place; I don’t seem to be able to recall doing a lot homework, only a lot of PW. It’s too close to dinner to have a satisfying sleep. So you just get on the bed and turn on the hi-fi set and laze around, maybe have a short nap. I notice I tend to have dreams /nightmares during those naps, it’s almost like 75% chance, wonder if it’s scientifically proven you have more dreams when the evening sun is shining on you and when the hi-fi set is playing your favorite music and when you’re feeling empty in a peaceful, mellow sort of way.
There are things to look forward to. For various reasons Im forecasting better relations with my classmates. The days are shorter, giving me more time to—to what?—lie on the bed and have more dreams/nightmares? Nah. There are activities to do under the evening sun. Jogs, swims, meet-ups, CIP things, maybe can even take up courses like yoga. I’ve got the resolution, I’ve got potential partners, I just hope I’ll have the energy and don’t overestimate myself.
Oh well. We’ll see how it goes, we’ll see how it goes.
This holidays has been a most unique and satisfying one. Unlike those in secondary school days, there wasnt any CCA activities or camps to take me away from my own, pure plans. Plus, where previously homework was a nagging moderator within, this time round, I didn’t bother finding out what the hw is, giving it no chance at all to reduce my pleasure in any way. For this whole 2 months I stood free from all things academic. No worries, nothing bogged me down, just pure, simple fun. It has been good. As if it were some compensation for a bad year.
Bad year this year, bad year next year, can’t wait to complete my A levels, get into the army, hopefully get into an overseas university, start doing what I want.
We should try to get into the same overseas university. It’ll be fun.
1 Comments:
Thought you're still 3 years old?
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