I'm currently passing through one of the weirdest period of my life. I feel a very strong desire to study, perhaps the strongest kind of academic nationalism my constitution has ever witnessed. And yet every time I situate myself at my desk I lose all enthusiasm to stay by it; I lose focus within ten to thirty minutes of operations. I walk away to get things to eat, I indulge in the papers and albert camus, I get onto the net under the pretense of taking a break. I sleep a lot these days-- over ten hours where previously I could survive on six. It's almost as if my whole body is repelled by the very notion of studying. I lack discipline when I've got nothing to motivate me, that I fully admit. And while I am not necessarily a defeatist I cannot help but think maybe it's allright to score below expectations for prelims so that you can rebound to your true expecations at the A levels.

I tend to experience only two strong opposite emotions these days, amidst the usual monotone of exam pressure over the near horizon. One, that of intense worry, frustration and distress. Two, that of irrational relief, joy, liberation. The first is self-explanatory: I cant bring myself to study, or at least study in a professional manner. The second aspect arises, in part, from the break with the school system at long last-- it's just arbitrary studying now, a system some may describe as "just anyhow whack". I feel a sense of freedom seeing..lets count now, exactly 12 days of self-studying, where you can do things at your own time, own target. (Not that thats necessarily a good thing)

More significantly, I tend to get contented very easily these days. One hour of history, for example, with the result of completing say, one chapter worth of content would bring about a wave of contentment that would keep me stranded in an island of procrastination for the following three hours, and thats no exaggaration. The 1:3 work/leisure ratio is unbecoming considering theres only around 12 hours of waking hours. And yet during those three hours I feel..content? Perhaps even happy, and I cant explain why. It's irrational.

And it's bizarre, going on highs of euphoria at times and lows of distress elsewhere, within the same part of the day. It's also bizarre having that "want-to-study" desire but "just-cant-study" result.

'The simple life'. How possible is this today? The first skirmish. Really cant tell the results for this one, but I committed one of my finest regimen here. The two extremes as usual for me: either a resounding victory or a complete rout. I was forewarned to take the middle path but I couldnt resist the temptation of trying to be funny. Elsewhere, I would expect to lose at least 30 of my finest marksmen in a survey party dispatched to obtain comprehension of the enemy party. It appears they are around 12 days away.

The silent dawn always fresh and grey,
bringing cold winds crisp and sharp.
We keep on moving everyday
enemies and us in relentless march.