Reappraisal of life

I was leafing through a rather depressing pile of econs notes earlier on when I decided to do a little bit of elementary maths.

There are 4 sections in the entire econs exam, 75 marks for essays calibrated to 45%, 30 marks for mcqs calibrated to 20% 20 and 30 for data response and case study, calibrated to 15% and 20% respectively.

Let's take a distinction to be 75%, with 5% as a buffer zone. Assume I'd get 27/30 for mcq and 14/20 for drq-- the usual marks I tend to get, so no much speculation here. I'll be conservative for case study and give myself 17/30.

Deducting (18 + 10.5 + 11.3) [the scaled percentage marks] from 75 marks we've got 35.2 Which means Ive got to score 58.6/75 for my essays. Which means approximately 20/25 per essay.

What's worse is that I might get lesser than 27 for my mcq and lesser than 14 for my drq-- those were the assumed marks but there's always the prescence of deviation.

After receiving such depressing calculations for econs I decided to depress myself further with maths.

We've got 2 papers for maths, 100 marks each. 75% would mean 150 marks in total, which would mean 50 marks to spare for both papers.

Giving myself a liberal helping of 55/66 for statistics (actually that would be the minimum score everyone should be expecting for stats?) this would leave me 39 marks to spend on pure maths, ie 39 marks to spend on around 20 questions. That's not a very comforting budget to have because there's always the possibility of careless mistakes that could easily take away all the marks from one question or more.

The calculations for the humanities are even simpler, and even more straightforwardly depressing. We'll be looking at a total of 8 essays for history and 6 + 2 50 marks essays for lit-- and they've all got to be 18 marks (or 35, for the 2 essays) and above for each and every one of them. Getting a B (17 marks) for any of them would mean having to score a higher A in another; and basically the moment you've got a 16 for one essay you're dead because that would mean you have got to score a high A in another-- and As in themselves are hard enough to obtain. Can you imagine? 18/25 for 8 essays.

Enough of depressing stuff. I've been thinking alot of my future plans these days. These weeks, in fact. I've consulted tutors of all sorts (even those I dont know) and throught much external inspiration and internal introspection I've drawn up 3 primary plans.

Plan AI
Get a university scholarship, or an altruistic one, and get overseas. Once there slog my guts out to break into their postgraduate circle, obtain a postgraduate scholarship, and work all the way up. I've been talking alot about this with many friends these days, and the basic thing here is that I want to take on research work as my profession.

Plan AII
Grab any scholarship which is willing to accept me. Dont care about the bond--swallow it down. Generally deemed as an inferior plan to Plan AI because my end goal is a researcher, not some organisation's executive; dont exactly fancy postphoning my life for 6 years, though I guess it wouldnt totally count as a stasis period-- would gain work experience and stuff after all. The problem here is how Im going to pay for my masters.

Plan B
The local route. If I decide to do things locally scholarships would be the least of my concerns. (Or rather, the other way around: I would do things locally if scholarhips become an impossibility for me) Just get into NUS and work all the way up. Problem here is the lack of exposure. But you've got to pay for exposure, and I dont have the money to. I didnt think too much into this plan until several reliable tutors told me NUS actually has several strong humanities departments. I've been thinking alot of this plan ever since. Singapore is, after all, a nice place to study and live in--friends, the esplanade, the food, toa payoh central, far east square. They all count to me. More on this another time.

Plan C
Get into a local U, get a degree, get a middle management job and stay there for the rest of my life. This isnt an inferior plan, nor would I deem it a backup plan. The emphasis here is to lead a spiritually fulfilling life, apart from intellectual and/or monetary pursuits. A simple life, seriously, is something I've always wanted to have. A life where you earn enough to get by, a 9 to 5 lifestyle which gives you ample time to go for jogs, swim with friends, read books, listen to music, play games, dine out, go on the occasional holidays. (I refrain from saying have kids here). Note that this contradicts what I said in Plan AII, and I guess I've got to come to a decision as to whether I want an academic life (which can be simple) or a management job (which can be complex)before I take up my undergrad course-- because the two are mutually exclusive.

I am looking forward alot recently, past the dark areas and out to the light at the end of the tunnel. And I do see a lot of light in the short term future. Here's why. Age of Empires III. FM2006. Two titles which would, I expect, occupy me for the next two years in NS.

Now Im not an ardent online gamer (in fact I've only revolved and indulged in two main games over the past few years, Age of Empires II and Warcraft III; the rest just came and go), but now in a time where I have been displaced from those blood-filled nights for months on end I cannot help but feel more than a little optimism for the future. Playing computer games isn't a fantastic way to pass your childhood yes, but I do miss those long nights up battling with 9 other gay pals and gaying about with each other. Nor will I ever forget those times we came together to fight other gay clans-- the kind of unity and bond you feel...Exquisite. It isnt a perfect substitute for the times you have in real life but you cant compare them this way because online gaming allows you to extend the experiences a group of friends can have. Yea, I guess I really would be looking forward to resuming those late nights glued to the screen, with a cup of hot milo by the side, a pillow on my lap, and a bunch of gay pals cursing and swearing and gaying about in virtual space.

And Im also looking forward to empty mornings where I can read the papers without feeling pressurized to start revision soon, long afternoons where I can nap in peace, late nights where I can be out, or online, without feeling guilty.

I dont know if Im saying this in consequence of study fatigue, or in consequence of a lazy attitude, but really, all I want now is to take the As and get out of this section of my life. With or without 6 distinctions.