Random

Music: Wilco - Hell is Chrome
Book: Matt Ridley - The Agile Gene

I caught a bit of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within on the TV because my dinner table is near the TV, and noted that while yes, the graphics are commendable it just renders the whole thing emotionless to the viewer. When those 2 fellows died to some pretty, translucent monster I felt nothing, and it wasnt because I missed the earlier parts but because they look so fake. The way the move, their flawless looks, their seamless figures, the fact that they did not sweat, everything.

And then the advertisments came on, and some actress came on, and she said, in pretty much a contrived voice, how Slim Fit enhanced her breasts and how felt more attractive and confident as a result, and I felt a bit sick at that and decided to leave my dinner.

The kind of things you get on TV. Hey girl, if Slim Fit is your way of gaining confidence in life then I reckon there isnt anything in your life that is worth being confident about.

The holidays have come. 4 weeks of not seeing certain people, but thats not the point. Im going to die for midyears. Thats because I've got a 5-day camp. Lets do a breakdown analysis, the kind of things that people should be doing but no one bothers to do. The camp means I've got 3 weeks left, 21 days. Cancel 1 day off for slacking. Which means 5 days left for each subject. That's pathetic btw, the battle is half lost already.

I have just 2 strengths, if they could be counted as strengths at all. 1) I can take on maths as well as literature--not necessarily meaning I do well in both, but at least Im not significantly disinclined to either. 2) I tend to have high returns to scale for econs. Again, not necessarily meaning I will do well in it; it just means for the effort I put in I tend to get a positively disproportionate result. 1) doesnt matter because theres little time for all subjects. 2) is temporarily (at least, I hope) invalid because my macroecnomics has gotten rather sluggish. Which means where previously I could adopt a strategy of transfering time from econs to other subjects (maximising allocative efficiency, if you like) I cant do it now because the deadweight loss is now more significant. In fact it's so significant I might have to spend the full 5 days on it just so i wouldnt be worse off.

Ignoring one subject is a possibility--history would be the victim if this is the case, because it has, for me, the lowest returns to scale out of the 4. But nah Im not so desperate as yet.

I'll take them on and see what comes.

The camp is 1 of the few things I actually find myself looking forward to in college life so far. Im praying hard for a compatible roommate. Roommates, incidentally, are for me the key determinant of how well any stayover experience is going to be. Take last year's history field trip to London and paris for example. The times my other two roommates and I would gay about, unpack our stuffs, snack away, wait for our turn to bathe, arrive late for breakfast because we invariably could not wake up on time even with the morning calls, crash the girls' rooms before returning back to our room dead beat--these memories strike more emotions in me than those visits to the tourist attractions.

I hope my roommate is a normal person. Like me.

Anyway, i took some gin and tonic earlier on, the first time I touched alcohol in some time now. Took it because I wanted to go on an emotional hiatus, to travel somewhere else alone, because Final Fantasy and Slim Fit made me sick, because I detest some of my classmates, because I want to purge the existentialist angst within me (it seems to enhance it though, which suits me just as well), because I feel betrayed, because my room is in a mess, because my college life is a total waste of my time, because I miss the history field trip; because Wilco's Hell is Chrome is the kind of songs that make you feel like drinking, because Im sick of taking the intitiative, because Im going to do badly for midyrs, because I wonder why havent I got more fun siblings (did you know my mum had a miscarriage on her first child--a girl, before she had me; meaning I could have very well have an older sis right now) because I wonder why cant I be more normal, because I cant wait to get out of school, because Aldous Huxley lies on my bed untouchable because Ive got to study, because I cant get Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus, because the weather is so hot these days, because Im so handsome.

The rush is good.

Hope is a choice, they say, but not all choices are available to you at all times.

Somewhat ironical man fights best when he has nothing to lose the same way he could lose the will to fight when there is nothing to fight for. You are truly dead when there is nothing in life you can look forward to, at least not in the discernible future.