Hmm
It is perhaps apt that, nearing the end of my undergraduate days, I now face one of the greatest challenge I've come across in these 4 years. It comes in the form of a 4000 word Nietzsche paper. I use the word challenge here charitably. I don't mean to say the assignment is a great intellectual exercise that challenges my intellectual limits. This paper is a great challenge because I feel extremely little motivation to do it. The challenge consists of me being able to muster enough motivation so that I can complete this paper in a minimally satisfying way.
I have little motivation for a few reasons, but the main thing really is that I don't feel excited with his texts. Continental - or, at least, non-analytic philosophy and I don't mix. I'm out of my element here. I really should have known better. In fact, I did know better. But I either overestimated the compensation I thought the lecturer - himself a fairly analytic person I quite like - would provide, or underestimated the fuzziness of the texts. Maybe both.
Anyway, in line with my general lack of motivation to make any sort of progress on this paper, I played an Agricola game online a few nights ago. I was accused of kingmaking toward the end of the game. Agricola is a game usually played between 4 players, and the player with the best score at the end of the game wins. Kingmaking happens when a player who is not in the running to win makes a move that does not maximise his own score, but which blocks a contender from a crucial spot he might need in order to win. In other words, kingmaking happens when you make a poor move for yourself, but your questionable move also harms another's chance to win. This matter of kingmaking is an interesting one, for some people have pointed out that lots of kingmaking moves go on throughout the whole game - it is only at the last round of the game that it becomes especially salient. On what basis then do we say kingmaking is bad? Others have pointed out that the underlying assumption that players should have the primary goal of maximising their own scores is flawed. The debate merits its own discussion, but I won't pursue that here.
I was indignant when the player ranted at me, at first. I had thought that me and him were in the running to win, and my move furthers my position relative to his - in other words, it was a reasonable move. But as the person railed on and on I realised that he was right - it was a kingmaking move, because I was not in the contention to win: he and another player were, and I had severely harmed his chances to win.
I was going to apologise when this player said some hurtful things. I'm not sure if I felt anything at all then. It was a most interesting feeling. I stared at the computer screen, at his words, and I just looked on with impassivity. I could distinctly feel myself breathing very, very slowly. His words continued to spill out, some people watching the game spoke up on my behalf, defending my move, and I was still breathing slowly, looking on with nothing much really registering in my mind. I made the decision then not to apologise, but it didn't feel as though I made the decision; it felt as though I was just pushed by a certain force to do so. I felt like a leaf being carried by a wind, and, in retrospect, I must say it was a very nice feeling. It's the kind of feeling one might have while having sexual intercourse, or while giving an important presentation. You feel that nothing you are doing at the moment matters at all, you are just experiencing the passage of time. You are experiencing the true essence of life, which is nothing but the muted passage of time.
That's that. After those moments were over I felt kind of sad. I was sad because the player who ranted against me was someone I got along with, someone I frequently joked around with. (I've sort of built up a reputation as being a light and interesting player, and am sometimes referred to as the clownlady). How fast relationships sometimes change. Events in a short period of time can easily undo anything accrued over a long period of time. I was also sad because I had thought myself as a competent player. I have won some of the top players on the site - and it is by no means an exaggaration to say that the top players on the site are also some of the top players in the world. The qualification here is that the game is not played by many in the first place. (Still, I've met some very incisive people on the site, a fair number of whom are doing their postgraduate studies or have already done so.) Another qualification here is that I don't win the top players on a frequent basis. More often than not, they would do better than me. I don't consider myself a top-tier player, though I would have thought I can hold my own against many of them (that is, not get defeated too easily). This particular incident made me rethink myself as a competent player. It was a gross mistake a competent player shouldn't have made, I'm not sure how I even made such an oversight.
I've come to realise that, this incident aside, I've made some errors in my behavior in recent times. I've done, said, and felt many things that were not commensurate with, or justified by, the beliefs and goals I implicitly have. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not even sure if there's anything I need to do. I think I would let nature run its course. Let the wind take me to wherever it does. There's nothing much to do while that's happening, but I don't think that's such a bad thing.
I have little motivation for a few reasons, but the main thing really is that I don't feel excited with his texts. Continental - or, at least, non-analytic philosophy and I don't mix. I'm out of my element here. I really should have known better. In fact, I did know better. But I either overestimated the compensation I thought the lecturer - himself a fairly analytic person I quite like - would provide, or underestimated the fuzziness of the texts. Maybe both.
Anyway, in line with my general lack of motivation to make any sort of progress on this paper, I played an Agricola game online a few nights ago. I was accused of kingmaking toward the end of the game. Agricola is a game usually played between 4 players, and the player with the best score at the end of the game wins. Kingmaking happens when a player who is not in the running to win makes a move that does not maximise his own score, but which blocks a contender from a crucial spot he might need in order to win. In other words, kingmaking happens when you make a poor move for yourself, but your questionable move also harms another's chance to win. This matter of kingmaking is an interesting one, for some people have pointed out that lots of kingmaking moves go on throughout the whole game - it is only at the last round of the game that it becomes especially salient. On what basis then do we say kingmaking is bad? Others have pointed out that the underlying assumption that players should have the primary goal of maximising their own scores is flawed. The debate merits its own discussion, but I won't pursue that here.
I was indignant when the player ranted at me, at first. I had thought that me and him were in the running to win, and my move furthers my position relative to his - in other words, it was a reasonable move. But as the person railed on and on I realised that he was right - it was a kingmaking move, because I was not in the contention to win: he and another player were, and I had severely harmed his chances to win.
I was going to apologise when this player said some hurtful things. I'm not sure if I felt anything at all then. It was a most interesting feeling. I stared at the computer screen, at his words, and I just looked on with impassivity. I could distinctly feel myself breathing very, very slowly. His words continued to spill out, some people watching the game spoke up on my behalf, defending my move, and I was still breathing slowly, looking on with nothing much really registering in my mind. I made the decision then not to apologise, but it didn't feel as though I made the decision; it felt as though I was just pushed by a certain force to do so. I felt like a leaf being carried by a wind, and, in retrospect, I must say it was a very nice feeling. It's the kind of feeling one might have while having sexual intercourse, or while giving an important presentation. You feel that nothing you are doing at the moment matters at all, you are just experiencing the passage of time. You are experiencing the true essence of life, which is nothing but the muted passage of time.
That's that. After those moments were over I felt kind of sad. I was sad because the player who ranted against me was someone I got along with, someone I frequently joked around with. (I've sort of built up a reputation as being a light and interesting player, and am sometimes referred to as the clownlady). How fast relationships sometimes change. Events in a short period of time can easily undo anything accrued over a long period of time. I was also sad because I had thought myself as a competent player. I have won some of the top players on the site - and it is by no means an exaggaration to say that the top players on the site are also some of the top players in the world. The qualification here is that the game is not played by many in the first place. (Still, I've met some very incisive people on the site, a fair number of whom are doing their postgraduate studies or have already done so.) Another qualification here is that I don't win the top players on a frequent basis. More often than not, they would do better than me. I don't consider myself a top-tier player, though I would have thought I can hold my own against many of them (that is, not get defeated too easily). This particular incident made me rethink myself as a competent player. It was a gross mistake a competent player shouldn't have made, I'm not sure how I even made such an oversight.
I've come to realise that, this incident aside, I've made some errors in my behavior in recent times. I've done, said, and felt many things that were not commensurate with, or justified by, the beliefs and goals I implicitly have. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not even sure if there's anything I need to do. I think I would let nature run its course. Let the wind take me to wherever it does. There's nothing much to do while that's happening, but I don't think that's such a bad thing.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home