The following is an excerpt from Stars and Stripes, an article written by Umberto Eco.

ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND
TO: QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGUESE

SHOCKED BY IRREGULAR VARIETY RATIONS AND ALARMED BY EXCESSIVE CULINARY PERMISSIVENESS UNDERMINING TRADITIONS AND DISCIPLINE OUR GLORIOUS ARMY STOP AS OF TODAY ALL VICTUALS MUST CONFORM TO STANDARD FORMAT FOR ALL TROOPS FEDERATED GALAXIES NAMELY FIVE HECTOGRAMS HARD-TACK ONE TIN FROZEN MEAT FOUR CHOCOLATE BARS OPNE DECILITER GRAPPA STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGUESE
TO: HIGH COMMAND
CASINO

RESPECTFULLY REMIND HIGH COMMAND BIOLOGICAL DIVERGENCES AMONG VARIOUS UNITS INTERGALACTIC ARMY STOP FOR EXAMPLE ALTAIR SOLDIERS CUSTOMARY DAILY CONSUMPTION THREE HUNDRED SIXTY KILOGRAMS ALTAIR GNU MEAT STOP AURIGA LIQUID SAPPERS COMPOSED EXCLUSIBELY OF ETHYL ALCOHOLS HENCE GRAPPA RATION OFFENSIVE TO THEM SUGGESTING CANNIBALISM STOP HOOKS MILITIA OF BELLATRIX CONFIRMED VEGETARIANS WHEREAS CHASSEURS FROM COMA BERENICES NORMALLY FEED ON LOCAL HAIRLESS BIPED GAME HENCE SOME DEPLORABLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS WHEN CHASSEURS DEVOURED ENTIRE BATTALION MOUNTAIN TROOPS MISTAKING THEM FOR RATIONS SHIPMENT STOP IN THIS REGARD WE WOULD AGAIN UNDERLINE IMPOSSIBILITY OF STANDARDIZING UNIFORMS AS PER HIGH COMMAND ORDER STOP IMPOSSIBE FIT STANDARD TUNIC AND LEGGINGS TO SOLDIERS EIGHT METRES TALL WITH FIVE ARMS WHEREAS STANDARD ISSUE TROUSERS TOTALLY UNSUITABLE FOR VERMIFORM TROOPS STOP URGE PROMPT DECISION RECOMMENDING FLEXIBILITY RECOGNIZING VARYING BIOLOGICAL DEMANDS STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO
TO: GENERAL PERCUOCO
QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE

QUIT BELLYACHING STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

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