The Thousandth Girl

Austerity of her looks that attract one so,
Feminine posture poised to kill.
Cultured expression how she glows
Dim stirrings in me given life.

I hope to see her many times over
Her sweetness that in my life lacks.
A sad thing though that she is normal
The thousandth girl my life just met.

The Scientist (II)

Music: Our Lady Peace - 4AM
Book: Mark Twain - Short Stories

Another beautiful piece, perfect for what I have come to term the moonlit night.

Im pretty much a romanticist, something that would come as a surprise to many, especially those in the arts faculty of nyjc. That sort of rhymes.

Things are improving on some fronts, deproving on others. It's a constant balancing act--but things as a whole are going up on account of a new strategy that is currently in its experimental phase. Im going to name it the Force Concentration Doctrine. Where previously I would strive to battle on all fronts I am now going to opt for optional warfare-- win in areas you can win, let the territories you can't hold die off.

Concentrate forces. Sleep well (ie sleep when people normally sleep, though today is an exception caused by..unnatural circumstances), study well at school, no more stay up till 2AM and transfer cognitive prowess from home to school--and hoist a white flag every morning.

Concentrate forces. Dont jump so easily on every portfolio-food. One Major Thing has finished already, next week another would be over, the rest are more or less on their way to completion. In 3 weeks time I should be really, really free.

Concentrate forces. Dont read books that appeal to interest; read books that are useful in the nearer term. Oh damn but mark twain's too good. Ok forget it I doubt I can comply with this self-regulation.

Concentrate forces. Concentrate on friends who I am compatible with--drop the rest. Cut those connections, if they come then they come if not they are dead roses. I never was a good garderner. Im very sick and tired all these farcical relations, all these changing temperaments; get out of my garden I only grow trees that stand for thousands of years.

Speaking of friends you do notice your friends listen to the same general school(s) of music and engage in the same kind of humour--do you? I do. It seems, at least in my context, that the greater the overlap of music interests and humour inclination the further the friendship would go. I wish I have the time and resources to conduct an academic/otherwise study on the relationship of music and/or humour with friendship.

Im also going to find out what defines 'mainstream' people.

Anyway, maybe old chang kee coming to toa payoh isnt such a good thing after all. At the rate Im eating those squid heads and curry puffs and crabmeat balls Im going to die at 30. And it's depleting my cash stock, which is so much more tragic than dying at 30 dont you think.

The Scientist

Music: Electrico - Good Time
Book: Mark Twain - Short Stories

The feeling of waking up at 8 instead of 6, the feeling of having, for once in many days, a good breakfast, the warped -and yet pleasantly warm- Haha that rings inside you because all your peers are at school and you're not, the prospect of lazing through a free day, the accompaniment of Electrico as you lie on the bed watching the morning in its beauty-- for surely beauty lies in the rarity, perhaps even defamiliarization, of experience?

You should skip school one day, or two, or when you need to rest yourself, or when you want to break the monotone in your life.

Dear Morning
Sing your lovely tune
Remake my drudgerised soul, caress the manifold creases
Refresh my wearied mind, show me the forgotten paths.
Never will you be dear to me, till I have seen the dark
And never will I find you, till I have lost myself.

Anyway, toa payoh now has old chang kee. Long overdue.

Absurdism

Music: Snow Patrol - How to be Dead
Book: J.D. Salinger - The Catcher in the Rye

Songs like this leave me in states of ecstasy. I see space, the stars, the void moon, the Milky Way, galaxies, the things I've always fantasized about since kinder-garden. I see myself floating through them, a body motionless, an eternal mind; I wish that would be my afterlife. It's so beautiful isn't it, the perfect silence.

I slept through the whole evening because I had 7 hours of sleep over 2 days. Im eating instant noodles (overcooked this time round) as my dinner lies cold in the fridge, and I have no idea how to heat it up in such a way that it would -still- be tasty.

The kind of life I lead now is absurd. In fact lead is an inappropriate term, I dont lead it as much as outside forces mechanize what I do, perhaps the way I think and feel too.

I've cleared the first hurdle after the block tests, a 1500 word essay. But they keep on coming. Research for a seminar, research for a history essay, a presentation being due on -some- day, economics essay competition--when Im still in a 2-essay deficit for my econs s--GP program essay to be due -soon- too.

It isnt alot, really. 1500 words isnt alot. Essays, which one can complete in one hour arent alot too--it's just 3 isnt it. Presentation, just go to the net, copy and paste and crap something out. It isnt alot. So what if Im on a nus course now, it's just 3 hours of lessons per week; so what if there's all these things to be done-my timetable is pretty relaxed, I can get home by 5, take a nap have dinner at 7 and then work things out. Thats how I used to think.

1500 words is alot. You've got to read through your text, you've got to think, you've got to construct arguments, you've got to organise your points, you've got to make it cohesive, you've got to write in academic language. Petty school homework, maths tutorials, normal essays and all, they're not little, they're not small, they're not petty. Because they leech energy. Time isnt a factor when it comes to these, but--and this is still a new concept to me--but mental space is. They affect your psychology, every piece of homework does, becase everytime you complete one you feel satisfaction and you want to rest--but you cant.

And then I used to think the weekends could help you recover, restore your psychology, regain mental/physical energy. And then I realised that hey, mental energy needs more than 2.5 days to get replenished even if 1 day is enough to get your physical outfit back. It's that mental gridlock thing, the cross-sections of your mind are all jammed at its heart, from its roots up. You cant get to the heart of things and repiar the problem--just like a vehicle gridlock you've got to get the objects around the edges out first--and it takes time, alot of time, to get to the heart of it all. 2.5 days, hah. Need at least a week.

And then there's still overestimations of time required to complete a task, and then there's still murphy's law, and then there's still little little events that pop up to distract you. You can't even keep the gridlock in a constant size, you dont even see a shape anymore. It's all one big mass of things. Just like a black hole, so massive and yet so void.

--
I think alot about my classmates these days. As if they are an oasis in a desert. Nah. They are the desert. Why do they look so barren to me? Why couldnt there have been more guys in the class, why cant they be more normal girls. And of course when I say normal I say it with respect to me.

I wonder what is this thing within me that compels me to get attracted to anything non-terrestrial.