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Music: [Hotel Rwanda]- Million Voices
Book: Pramoedya Ananta Toer- It's Not An All Night Fair Night

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Im starting to feel tired. This NUS thing, this “level 2000” module is really really tough. Tough in the sense the content is extremely..how to say, confusing. No wait, not confusing. Confusing means you can figure it out in the end. This is different. Maybe it’s too early to say now but I think for their content you truly need intellect, and not just any form of intellect. You need the kind of intellect that can grapple adequately, in fact grapple extensively, with concepts equivalent to “infinite regression/variation”, “who-created-god-and-who-created-that-creator-of-god-who-created-the-universe (etc etc)”. We don’t do those things but this psychoanalysis thing……..ergh……..Differentiating between the first-person narrator and the author who creates the first-person narrator is one thing—that with some effort can be grappled with. But then you go and analyze what is going through the author’s mind and the text he created—and you try to identify the parts where his mentally suppressed thoughts get revealed in some form. Problem is, the author himself might be aware of his own mentally suppressed thoughts and the line gets very blurred between his tool of the first-person narrator and his pure, own thoughts. (And trying to figure out what the first-person narrator is driving at is hard in itself already). And then there’s still the issue of conflict between the author and narrator which are very very hard to identify, and when they did identify it I couldn’t get it.

The thing is, unlike maths where you can force it through, you don’t get it if you don’t get it in literature—and even if you somehow manage to force it down it’s almost worthless because you wouldn’t truly understand and appreciate it anyway.

During tutorial I felt like raising my hand up and say, “Hey doctor, I think Pramoedya in his book was trying to take us through an emotional journey; his focus is more on the syntax, the diction, the way the paragraphs and events are arranged, the selective visioning that evoked strong emotions within us than it is the symbolisms and double-level awareness thingyies you’re telling us. You think too much.” But oh well, he IS a doctor after all, he shld know what he’s doing. And btw don’t think it’s good that oh, Im thinking my own way and stuffs (they like promoting this in lit). Because your own way isn’t going to matter at all if the question is “Briefly elaborate on the psychoanalytical aspects in the book” or “Relate the Oedipus Complex to so-and-so”. I’ve got to bring myself to terms with those things no matter how much I disagree. I don’t even understand it in the first place. If theyre doing this thing for JC students I think they might want to consider giving us “level 1000” modules instead of jumping straight to level 2000. Oh dear! Saying that just made me realize Im actually not academically disadvantaged as compared with my peers. Because this is literature! Meaning we are more or less on level ground—they don’t have superior knowledge of things (as compared to say, the sciences), at least not in that academic sense, though one might point out they do have one or more years of exposure to lit stuff. Which means that either they are as clueless as I am or they’re way smarter—not surprising considering the fact that this module is opened only to those who got a C and above in A level lit. Grr. Meaning they know their stuffs and I better start knowing mine. Especially when I’ve got a presentation next week. Damn.

I obtained a slight headache after the tutorial and lecture, presumably from forcing my mind to think about all those psychoanalysis things. It didn’t help that I waited 20 mins for dinner, another 20 mins for a bus and 15 mins for the second bus. Lessons ended at 5. I got home at 8. Which means 3 hours spent just eating dinner, making a short trip to a hostel with my project mate, and traveling home. That’s totally rubbish. I hate time being wasted like that.

Incidentally, I thought of striking a conversation with a HCJC female who sat beside me on the bus. (Do note that it’d be the same thing if it were a male) Yeayea, believe it or not I do that kind of stuffs. Whether you think of it positively or negatively or think it’s idiotic or whatever, don’t bother me with your own point of view. But it’s been a real long time since I’ve tried to talk to a stranger on the bus, almost a year probably? It’s not a everytime kind of thing, there are circumstances to be met. I had had a real tiring and frustrating day. It’d be nice if I could just let loose and express my uh self. The normal condition is usually when Im feeling happy but this is the other way round.

Guys in this respect of striking up a conversation are substantially more approachable than girls. There is only one group you cant try, the act cool class of people. For girls that restriction is imposed too yes, but you’ve got to have another pre-requisite too. Eye contact and a smile, however ambiguous it might be. That is very very crucial because it eases up tension and is a clear indication as to whether you should try in the first place. Do girls go around smiling at people, then you may ask. Not really, but I think if theyre friendly enough theyd respond if you start first. Im no handsome, young thing- if I were eye contact and a smile would either be always there, or it wouldn’t matter if it were there or not. That’s another point as to why it’s crucial. But as it was, this particular female looked rather absorbed trying to look cool, so I let her continue her mission undisrupted.

Well, so here I am, venting my day’s life out and talking about all the trivial things like any other teenager, whilst downing my second cup of coffee (Im trying to keep awake to compensate for that 3 hours wasted). S paper lessons tmr, cross country on Wednesday (is it?), history test on Thursday, NUS-lit presentation due next Monday, project due in 6 weeks time and a full academic essay due in 8 weeks (whole thing shouts PW). Stress arh. I am at my weakest point now, this is where you should strike me off.

No no don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean it in that *big* way. What Im thinking of is actually, you know, to all relatively free people out there, you should really appreciate and treasure the free time you have. Im sure it would benefit you even if you couldn’t care less about crushing whatever dominance I have over anything. (I do, however, perceive a growing sense of competition between not only my classmates but people outside too..Allright maybe I shouldnt read too much into things, it could just be due to the fact that A levels is coming)

Your mind is the greatest weapon you have against your own mind. Go figure, but that’s what I’ve always believed in.

NUS

Music: Catatonia- Stone by Stone
Book: Pramoedya Ananta Toer- It's Not An All Night Fair Night

It isnt often I would write about my daily life here but I thought I’d let you in into this. I am now, officially, a student at NUS, albeit a temporary one. Taking a single module called literary appreciation and criticism, under a pilot initiative (at least for the arts faculty) termed the Advanced Placement Programme. But before we go into the details of my first lesson there let’s ponder why I chose to go for it.

For one it’s good exposure to literature. This in itself has several advantages: it would supplement, at least in theory, A level lit; improve general well-being of self; and quite importantly, give me a better idea of what literature is all about. There’s a current toss-up between what I would major in U- econs or literature. (Actually still got a few others but we’ll set them aside for now) Hopefully this programme would give me better insights as to what I would want to take in the future. It’s a major headache btw. Some say I should just shelve it till I actually register during NS, but the thing keeps popping back on me. The thing is, what I choose would really set me down entirely different paths for possibly the rest of my life. Economics and literature, self-explanatory.

For another, you get to skip college lessons, if not by very much. And of course, Im doing it for novelty’s sake. If there’s one temptation I can never bring myself to resist successfully, it’s the temptation of being a part of something new, be it new to my experience or new to everyone else’s. Just for info theyre doing this thing now so as to prepare for the new academic revisions scheduled on 2006, where college students would get more distinct chances of doing uni courses; theyre piloting it now and Im the guinea pig in other words. The guinea pig (actually there are 8 of us in the arts faculty) has the power to influence things before they get born—even if they don’t have any say at all. Especially when theyre armed with the knowledge that they are guinea pigs. Go figure. (And even if it’s not the case the feeling alone of being a part, however minor, of a new project is a nice feeling)

That being that, and me being me, I mixed up my tutorial slot and ended up spending a couple of hours exploring the place. I paid a visit to my tutor-to-be, a certain Dr.Gwee. The name is interesting because when I first saw it a portrait of an old, eccentric lady imposed itself onto my mind. It turned out to be a fairly young male. A fairly interesting one at that. Looks like a nerd, with thin hair combed untidily to one side. Talked amusingly too—with whispers in certain sentences and stuffs, a bit similar to uh..me. I felt the urge to be funny with a fellow try-to-be-funny guy but decided against it. Not so soon. Later kick me out of the office.

The food is yucky. Allright maybe not in the position to comment now because only had a meal there. It’s cheap though, 1.8 for a bowl of noodles, 1.5 if you’re a student. And students smoke outside rooms. In areas where there are no-smoking signs.

Im getting abit worried for my future because a general observation made was that the students there are those prim-and-proper English-speaking sort. The sort that jokes and laugh and are very cheerful people, and who speak within a rigid structure of English, and who are actually very inflexible people despite their liberalistic outlook. The sort that I would never be able to get along with. Oh well.

Buy textbooks shen jing bing arh. 17 dollars for a lit text that is 99 pages long (double-line spacing at that), 5 lit text per module, and that’s excluding the actual textbooks—the thick kinds that can go up to 60 per book. And you do, on average, 5 modules per semester, and you’re going to have what, 6-8 semesters? You do the maths.

The lecture turned out to be something I did not envision. I had two main preconfigured images of this whole lit thing. One, it’s going to be full of chummy-chummy English-speaking people, the sort who would give a warm welcome and stuff. Two, it’s going to be full of eccentric people. Warm, friendly people but in a lesser way, those kinds who contemplate on things and go on bouts of solitude and stuffs. Wrong on both counts. I was actually surprised, when I entered the seminar room, to see gaps between everybody. There weren’t many people initially..but still…they were all seated separately… In showing respect to their custom I took a seat that was comfortably placed away from everyone else; it isn’t a totally alien custom anyway, not to me.

Lecture content was heavy, really heavy. The notes are really really sparse and deprived of attention from the lecturer, and you’ve got to be constantly thinking with the speaker. That isn’t hard to do, but when you’re learning stuffs like “differentiation between universalism, humanism and the fallacies of formalist critique”, “psychoanalysis on narrative lapses”, “mental suppression on the psychological realm as a result of realism, and gets a paradoxical release from the effects of the writer’s neurosis (of which this neurosis might be self-imposed; in which case the author is aware of it, in which case does this cancel the theories attendant to psychoanalysis)”, it does get very tough. It’s not so much as the language as it is the concepts themselves. As a side note, I doubt all these could be effectively applied at the A levels. Not enough time, definitely.

A silence ensued when the lecturer singled me out and asked who would like to show me the ropes, me having missed the first lecture the previous week. An awkward one. No one raised their hand. Would feel embarrassed if others were in my shoes I guess, but Ive got quite a good set of armour. Dr Gwee asked and asked and finally said, “I guess you guys forgot what it was like when you had your first semester. Im not going to force you into volunteering..” A female raised her hand then, a female from CJC. It’s always the females that keep popping up into my life, never the males. A brief talk after lecture, a swap of numbers, and there, another stranger just dropped by. To quote from myself, it’s all range and no depth these days; you get to know a whole lot of new people, but rarely do you get to go into substantial relationships. A slight irony here: she belongs to the “bubbly-friendly-inflexible” group of prim/proper English people. The very sort I would never get along with. Second irony is that she might be dropping the module due to a clash or something.

The thing is, when they talk in that kind of way, and think in that kind of way that allows them to speak in that kind of way, they are effectively canceling out my potential creativity in both expression and content. It’s a cancellation I cant get around to date, major major problem. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes.

On a significantly more tragic note, I lost my water bottle.

I realise...

Music: Catatonia- Stone by Stone
Book: Sophie's World, Jostein Gaarder.

Yeayea old book.

Very, very free at the moment. The feeling's good, really good. Thats the sweet thing bout actually doing work. You get to appreciate your time better. A relaxed timetable also helps, can get to enjoy the night better with the knowledge the day after is going to be a light day.

I just found out NJ and HCJC's students get out of school quite early. Barely 3 and large pools of them were milling outside at the bus-stops already. Maybe they skip lessons too. It is very important to skip lessons for the greater good of your life.

Almost all of NUS administrative officers are females. No wait actually I think it's 100%. Talk about gender equality. Was particularly amusing watching old ladies rushing about; they held hands too, and joked about as if they've still had a measure of youth ahead of them. Then there were the young ones, dye hair walk with poise etc etc; I've always got an eye for office wear, a consequence of constantly appraising my mum's office wear when I was young--she would force me to go to her room, and I would sit on her bed, and she would come out dressed with her secretarial office wear and I would comment on it and then she would go and change and come out again, untill I said she looked nice in it, which I never did anyway.

My correspondent was an incredibly, incredibly incredibly young female, so young I felt like I was talking to a same-age peer. Critical information couldve been pumped if I had slept earlier the night before. You need concentration, composure, creativity and a certain measure of flair when it comes to this kind of thing; when I asked for her working experience [for the age] she said "sensitive lah that one", with a small laugh. They always have a small laugh when it comes to issues of that sort, it's like a compulsory thing. Allright nevermind if its a small laugh--but it's always the similar sort of small laugh.

Point is, I wonder what's she doing about her life. She was from TJC, she took business, and there she is, in a small room in a section of a university hall, doing pretty nothing much besides clerical duties, of which there were many similar females like her doing those duties anyway. How many years would it take for her to rise to be...to be what? Is she content doing that kind of work for the rest of her life, making phone calls typing this typing that, with little say in this and that. It is appealing in some ways, yes, but well you see, she struck me as a ambitious person with a certain degree of good elegance. She in that dark, sparse, cramped office space? Nah, I say move elsewhere.

We'll talk more another time.

I wonder...

Wonder who your friends really are.

When I look at certain people whom I get along better with, and then look at other people whom I dont get along as well (of which technical reasons is put to greater blame than reasons associated with character incompatibility), initial enthusiasm for the former gets replaced by an ugly deja vu feeling because ultimately, we appreciate only those who appreciate us.

1st week

Music: Catatonia- Stone by Stone
Book: [Engaged at the moment]

I met my senior one evening on my way home. He had, from a condo, downsized to a flat near my school. I dont know what the hell happened to him in VJ but he didnt do well for his prelims, and he didnt take any s papers, and he didnt look very happy to me--distinct changes from the previous him, where he was amongst the top in VS, and where he had looked decently content with life. He said it was due to a "different environment". Wanted to probe further but you discuss this kind of things over a drink, and since he's living near my school now I thought I'd save that drink for a good evening.

Been a busy week copying maths and econs and trying to look decently content with my life. Noticed the J1s looked pretty happy; I was pretty happy during my PAE period.

Over the course of a night call I revised a section of my theory of male-female relationships. To make it short girl feels happy when the guy likes her. They think, "ooh he likes me". Which is really rubbish dont you think. A girl should like a guy because of his inherent traits, she should be thinking "ooh I really like talking with him, we can converse really well together and we think alike" instead. This wrong mindset roots from the general consensus that a nice guy is a guy who is "caring", "considerate", "sensitive", "protective" etc etc. I dont know how a relationship gets sustained this way (and dont really want to know) but personally I feel it's going to lead to unconscious self-centeredness on the part of the girl, and the relationship is bound to crumble when the guy cant take it. She should feel happy because the guy is "humorous", "charming", "independent" [likewise for the male], and not because the guy calls her every night, pays for her movies ("he's soo sweet"), says he likes her, etc etc.

I've got a new maths teacher who's actually quite humourous. He asked me whether I was married after I asked him whether he is.

It's nice travelling with people who know their stuffs, and who know which are the people who dont know their stuffs. There is comfort in the knowledge that you're not the only one who thinks the dominant, elitist faction are actually a bunch of arrogant, idiotic people who cant think beyond their poseur-like ways. But oh well, what the heck anyway, we're only silent pockets of individuals ignoring and pretty much surviving the ways of the big groups, powerless and mute and with an affection for drinks in the evening.

Elsewhere, I realised for the first time Im actually quite immune to gossip. Not immune as in dont care, but immune as in no one cares. Which is good, really, especially when it protects those around you.

The temporary reprieves from school are still in tradition this year, with virtually every lunchtime meal I have at the kopitiam nearby instead of the school canteen. I dont know how students can stand that kind of food, that kind of prices, that kind of environment. A friend, who is equally dissatisfied with life at the moment, pointed out one thing I failed to notice over one such escape at the kopitiam. Alot of the girls in the arts faculty wear branded shoes. With more vehemence than I could ever muster, he pointed out that the girls in our school (in fact many girls elsewhere too; some guys are guilty too) have a certain fantasy mindset of whats life is like--influenced, of course, by all their F4 and Bridget Jones. They place excessive care on the exterior--just look at their shoes and bags. Indeed, when we got back, I was amused at the accuracy of his cited evidence.

We played Mafia over a lit tutorial. It reminded me of 1a03 because we played a version of that back then, and it was really fun.

Disjointed piece eh. Im sure you can guess what Im going to say next. For a disjointed life. Heheheh. Okok I'll try being more optimistic and stop moping about..but wait, you've got to note that I DONT mope about. When life turns this way you talk and talk about it, but you accept it and try laughing at it--numbinisation I call it.

Grr

I forecasted wrongly.

2004/2005

Music: Catatonia- Stone by stone
Book: ...

Two songs from them was enough to make me buy their greatest hits album. Stone by stone is a personal favourite, it's what pop should be like.

2004 just ended. It’s the new year now. Im not feeling jubilant or anything, for 3 main reasons.

One, it means the end of the holidays.

Two, celebrations are over-rated. When I was young I used to think new year’s eve and Christmas eve etc etc are causes to have wild parties and all. But Im not young anymore. Whether you call it maturity or anything else, there is something within me that tells me any exhilaration over such occasions would just be hype, unjustified, unnecessary hype. Birthdays and the like are allright, but not new year’s eve. (And even with birthdays I don’t see the point in birthday boy/girl proactively going about organizing things for themselves; the truest, happiest birthdays come from spontaneous gatherings with one’s closest friend and/or family members)

Three-- and this is the point I want to write about—it means one more year of emptiness. Allright maybe this is excessively pessimistic, for it could also mean one year closer to supposed freedom, but the point here is there’s nothing in 2005 that can be worth looking forward to.

One whole year of politeness ahead. People holding the door for you, people helping you to carry things, people helping you to buy things, people smiling to each other. Politeness is bullshit, let me tell you this. It constrains the development of a relationship to a superficial level. If I am polite towards you it just means we haven’t been able to takeoff from the mundane level of male-female diplomacy.

One whole year of being alone ahead. Walking about, doing this doing that. I realize there is a shift from nice nice chummy chummy groups in sec sch to one-to-one partnerships in college, at least in my case. Very apparent over this holidays, which has seen the vast majority of my outings consisting of one to two other individuals only. In school too, the only time when I am truly myself are times when I am with—not with a group of seemingly gayish friends—but with specific individuals.

One whole year of empty evenings ahead. One of the few things I have a strong impression of in 2004 are those times where you arrive home at 5 or 6 pm and do nothing. You’re too tired (more mentally than physically) to start on homework—whatever homework there was in the first place; I don’t seem to be able to recall doing a lot homework, only a lot of PW. It’s too close to dinner to have a satisfying sleep. So you just get on the bed and turn on the hi-fi set and laze around, maybe have a short nap. I notice I tend to have dreams /nightmares during those naps, it’s almost like 75% chance, wonder if it’s scientifically proven you have more dreams when the evening sun is shining on you and when the hi-fi set is playing your favorite music and when you’re feeling empty in a peaceful, mellow sort of way.

There are things to look forward to. For various reasons Im forecasting better relations with my classmates. The days are shorter, giving me more time to—to what?—lie on the bed and have more dreams/nightmares? Nah. There are activities to do under the evening sun. Jogs, swims, meet-ups, CIP things, maybe can even take up courses like yoga. I’ve got the resolution, I’ve got potential partners, I just hope I’ll have the energy and don’t overestimate myself.

Oh well. We’ll see how it goes, we’ll see how it goes.

This holidays has been a most unique and satisfying one. Unlike those in secondary school days, there wasnt any CCA activities or camps to take me away from my own, pure plans. Plus, where previously homework was a nagging moderator within, this time round, I didn’t bother finding out what the hw is, giving it no chance at all to reduce my pleasure in any way. For this whole 2 months I stood free from all things academic. No worries, nothing bogged me down, just pure, simple fun. It has been good. As if it were some compensation for a bad year.

Bad year this year, bad year next year, can’t wait to complete my A levels, get into the army, hopefully get into an overseas university, start doing what I want.

We should try to get into the same overseas university. It’ll be fun.