Cant think of one

Music: Abba- Fernando

I've had multiple urges to write over the past weeks but I deleted the posts as soon as I finished them. I promised myself to go through this entry no matter what.

I am not above what I preach. We never are.

The inadequacies of a male-dominated social circle has been made apparent in recent times. It doesnt have the expertise to deal with certain emotional complexities. I went through my phone book and I felt depressed because there's hardly anyone I can call up and say, "Damn I think Ive got [emotional complexity]". It's no one's fault, and Im not complaining--because if the situation was reversed I wouldnt know how to listen in either.

I fancy myself as adept at holding back, restraining, controlling, squashing, dispelling, immunizing, but Im not as invulnerable as I'd like to think. I am not above myself. We never are. Ive been having inexplicable urges to share and confide, its getting kind of weird. For all the benefits of my male-orientated social circle, it lacks a certain...feminine touch to it, where you can call one up at random and pour out your uh emotional complexities. Females, I have to say, do seem to have a certain ability to sense out your thoughts/feelings. A pity I am unable to tap on that resource. That, however, is not my concern. There are other concerns.

It could be temporary. This time, and I suspect many future times, I can't tell. You can't apply the mechanics of logic to emotional complexities. You will definitely have total market failure. How weak that sounds. Well it could be temporary, this sudden desire to express myself to others. It should be. It better be. No wait Im not sure about that.

I hope all this doesnt sound too bleak. Because Im actually relatively happy now. How weak that sounds. Nah, it's going to depend on what the emotional complexities turn out to be. I am not above emotional complexities. We never are.

Ah, sweet freedom

Music: The Wallflowers- I Started A Joke

Songs typically sound their best when sung by their original creators but in this case I prefer the *rockier* beat supplied by The Wallflowers as compared to The Beegees.

There are times when you have to indulge yourself, and times when you have to betray yourself. There are also times where they come together. I don't know how to progress when that happens. The problem with me is that I express myself when Im not supposed to, and don't when Im obliged to. The problem with girls (at least for me) is quite the opposite, they express themselves in the correct times and dont express themselves when theyre not supposed to. I find this disorientation particularly distressing.

One can fill pages with such abstractions but I'll leave that for another time. Believe me when I say I support progress.

Exams are over. How I spent my immediate post-exams days are largely irrelevant to you, but I guess its nice seeing us teenagers having all sorts of fun. Im going to be incredibly free over the next few months, even if there still is school. (Or rather, Im going to make myself incredibly free over the next few months, heck about school) Feel free to liaison up, Im sure we can do many pretty things.

I think Im going to try to refresh my social circle, catch up with old friends both close and casual. Maybe a phone call here, a dinner there; I hope we're all not too entangled in our current lives. I'll see if I can upgrade it too, a little expansion never hurts. The question, though, lies with the other party. I need to make up for the 6 months that are gone forever.

Gravity

Music: Embrace- Gravity

This song is a classical devolution of weepy pop songs, but its still weepy enough for me to like it for now. A fuller analysis would reveal how thrashy the lyrics are and how everything's so fake.

It's a cold night tonight, and that always makes me want to write.

Maybe I shouldnt have started so early. I've lost all momentum built up over the past few weeks. The past week saw me slacking and slacking. Today is thursday; in 4 days I did no more than a few maths questions, a quick browse-through for history, the whole of econs (no, tt isnt anything, I planned to finish that load last week, in three days), more notes for measure for measure (lit text). That's all.

I dont think it's complacency that deflated me. I just got weary of studying, and that's a first in my life. Just really sick and tired of studying. I don't know if you've experienced such a thing. I asked myself, not a few times, why am I working so hard. Why am I desiring to work so hard. The past few days saw me searching for an answer, and if you've underwent such periods before in your life you would probably agree with me that there's none. So what if, just if, I managed to get some pretty grades? How pretty is my life going to get then, when there's virtually nothing elsewhere? Why don't I just go lead a simple life, get past the promos, enjoy myself. If a scholarship is at the end of your path then fine, fair enough, go for it. But if it isn't why bother to that extent then? It has always been a common debate within me as to who laughs the heartiest-- the fellow with the scholarship or the fellow with an uncompromised life. The answer is obvious enough, but are you convicted by your own belief.

I hate this system. I hate this system for getting into my system. I can't wait to get out of it. I can't wait for it to get out of me.

The night's gotten warmer. I need my sleep. Goodnight.