There is no formula to end this series

I truly believe that the notion of carpe diem exists retrospectively

- From a friend's blog

And I cannot agree with this statement more. Multiple layers of thought.

1st layer: External advice, parents teachers school principals drilling the notion of do [X]-before-its-too-late-to-regret. Could come from one's self also though. For example after getting out of military service I told myself that I would spend some afternoons lounging around in quiet places and cosy spots before I commence work, for I would have no time to do so then, and it would be too late for regrets.

2nd layer: After failing to listen we fail in some area and we feel disappointed. But we pick up the experience and learn. We got bitten once, we wouldn't want to be bitten again. It is worth noting that some people take more failures to learn, while others never learn at all despite being bitten so many times. They fail at this level.

3rd layer: A similar situation which necessitates the need to do [X] arises. A lot of times we do it, because we have learnt from experience. A lot of times we don't do it because of the 4th layer.

4th layer: Pyschological inertia.

5th layer: At this layer of thought we are aware, in fact we are acutely conscious, of all the previous layers. When the situation arises again we are split between seizing the day or throwing it all away. Most of the time we throw it all away.

6th layer: The situation arises again. This time we know we must seize the day, we know that there is this inertia within us that is very hard to overcome, and we know we must overcome it. But we don't.

7th layer: We have all this experience and layers of thought within us, so we know that when the future comes we must seize it, hold it firmly in our hands, treasure it. At the same time, we also know that we won't. Ie We know that we must, but we know that we won't, but we tell ourselves we must, but we are still aware that we will never.

This would be one series. After multiple series we are aware of the presence of the series, but that usually doesn't change our procrastination, despite all the meta-awareness and meta meta-awareness, and meta meta meta awareness, which would all collapse into one meta-series in the end, and then there would be the meta meta-series, and so on. Usually when it comes to thoughts like this I would attempt to jump the queue and think of the Ending Pattern, but there is no Ending Pattern. It just continues on indefinitely, whatever 'it' is.

Here is a concrete example. In secondary school I didn't treasure my time well, so in JC I told myself I must. However in JC because of certain circumstances I didn't, despite knowing from the secondary school experience that I should. So I regretted.

In the army I told myself I MUST treasure the experience, and especially the time. But the army was idiotic, had to do alot stupid things and put up with insufferable circumstances and people. Despite this I learnt from the JC experience that even when the going is tough I still must treasure it, or I will regret it like I would the JC experience even though when I was going through the JC experience I didn't enjoy it. But I still didn't. I hated the army.

Fast forward to the present. Ironically now I miss some parts of the army (but on the whole I still hate it alot), especially when compared to working in the office. At the same time, as much as I don't enjoy the present surroundings, I am aware that I must treasure it, lest when I enter university I would regret all these study-free evenings, for example. But guess what? I wouldn't. Not entirely so though, I am sure on some days I would treasure the free evenings I have, but by and large the days would pass with only the sound of me dragging my feet tiredly on, in spite of this knowledge that I would be dragging my feet tiredly on and I shouldn't.

Fast forward to the future, and I can imagine myself regretting not treasuring the past, which is the present now. In uni next time I would be complaining of all the projects and homework and presentations there is to do, while looking back at those working days and think that they were so care-free. Yet when we come back to the present equipped with the knowledge of what I would feel in the future, I still am going to feel tired overall, and when the future becomes the present, I wouldn't treasure it very much despite knowing that in the future's future I would regret not doing so.

In short, I am living in the past. In long, I truly believe that the notion of carpe diem exists retrospectively.

Eve

No other mmorpg other than Eve can have this sort of content:

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?p=8294075

Math questions

I managed a shipment from start to finish today and it felt like I completed a 12-mark math question. Actually, it's still not finished as the bill would only come days later, when there would be more processing to do. So maybe it was a 8-mark math question.

On cars

Reasons why you should not drive a car:

1) You harm the environment.

2) It is not a cost-effective way of transportation. The Strait Times on Saturday noted that public transportation takes 1.7 times longer than private transport to ferry a person from point A to B. This means that if a car can get you to your destination in 15 minutes, it should take, on average, no more than 25.5 minutes on public transport. That's a difference of 10.5 minutes. I don't think paying ERP charges, parking fees, road taxes, as well as the initial cost of the car itself (not to mention the driving lessons fees and other miscellaneous charges) is worth that kind of time saved.

3) Over-reliance. Someone - can't recall who, probably a tutor - once mentioned that even when travelling to a nearby convenience store he felt the need to drive his car. Not everyone who drives a car would be as lazy as him, I reckon. But then again, who would use the stairs these days when there's an escalator beside?

4) Less exposure. Boxed up in the vehicle, the only things you would get to see is other cars and momentary glimpses of pedestrians. Not so with public transport, with the masses of people taking the same transport as you and the inherent need to walk from the bus station to the mrt or whatsoever. When I take the mrt I always like to look at the people around me. I think of where they are from, where they are headed, how old they are, are they unemployed, whether they think themselves as good-looking, whether that guy beside her is a boyfriend, whether they make a good couple, what book that person is reading, if its some chick lit thing then why people like to read them, and so on. I also like to eavesdrop on conversations as well as peep on what the person next beside me is messaging. If he or she is reading the papers, even better.

5) Less time to sit back and think. In a car, you are sitting back, but you are probably thinking about negotiating that curve or overtaking that vehicle. In public transport, chances are you don't get to sit back, but when you do, you can take out a book to read, think about others (as mentioned in point 4), or think about your own life.

6) Vehicle responsibilities. I would say topping up fuel, checking your tyre pressure, going for regular technical maintainence, regularly cleaning your car's insides and outsides, are much more troublesome procedures than topping up your fare card.

7) The risk of accident. Nevermind if you bang onto another vehicle, or a lorry smashes into you, or when no one is about your car still manages to fall into the drain. What if you accidentally hit and kill a 10 year old child or a 70 year-old grandmother? Even worse, you cripple a healthy person for life. Think about the guilt you would feel, whether the accident was your fault or theirs, or no one's at all. It's an added cost.

Reasons why you should drive a car:

1) Convenience. No more waiting for the bus or mrt, no more jostling with the crowd. Instead, you can spend time waiting in a traffic jam. There is also the convenience of being able to go out late at night if you've got a supper meeting with friends. You won't be restrained by the last train or the last bus.

2) Luxury. Comfortable seating. Can attract the opposite sex as well, but if you want to attract people who are attracted to you because of this sort of thing maybe they aren't really attracted to you at all.

3) Necessity to job. Being in the upper management in no way should necessitate ownership of a car, unless it is a strict job requirement. In any case, I think it's quite a sad day in the history of mankind when cars come to be regarded as a necessity of life instead of, say, care for the environment.

Singapore short story project

Today I watched a show in which a young, pregnant female said she wanted her child to grow up happy, and after that she took a drink which ended her life, and I found that pretty touching.

As the narrator said, life is a series of choices. In the end it all boils down to one choice: to stay, or to leave.

Open your eyes

Having consumed a heavy lunch earlier on I went to my room and laid down on bed. As snow patrol played on the hi-fi set and as I passed into a state of semi-drowsiness I thought how, when I was in the army, I had always envisioned myself lazing about in bed on a weekday after lunch, listening to music and looking at the ceiling and out the window alternatively.

Now that the ideal has been realised I don't feel a sense of dissatisfaction or disappointment. I feel extremely satisfied.

I like the sounds of the guitar here, as well as the piano at 2:42.

Prelim

Last night I went to my bed at 1am, read some stuff until 2 30, and lay in bed listening to some music until 3 when some thoughts jumped at me. My heart beat very fast for 30 minutes and I flipped and flopped about in bed. At 3 30 I got up and wrote them down, but my heart still beat very fast for the next 15 minutes and I couldn't sleep.

Together these thoughts now form the basis of two things I'm going to write. One is a short play, and the title would be My real imaginery friend. The other would be a short story, and it would be about a man's encounter with a beached sperm whale. I wonder how far I can stay with these. I'm not a particularly diligent person, and I guess I better start work soon.

Why?

It's the new year and, as usual, we have the parties and the noise. The party revellers are out celebrating in jam-packed concert areas, families are out in town, children running about, friends meeting over supper, some inexpensive, in late-night hawker centres or the neighbourhood coffee shops; the rest who are more willing to spend out in fashionable bars and cafes, sipping, drinking, generally having a good time. There is a light feel in the air, but when it comes to new year celebrations, I suspect the ones who don't celebrate it are in the majority.

It's just like clubbing. Perceived as the in thing, all the hype around it, when actually clubbers represent only a small minority of young people, and for every 1 clubber there is there are probably more than 5 others who are staying at home, watching tv, surfing the net, playing computer games, reading, blogging...

Who cares about the arrival of the new year? Why does it seem compelling that one should celebrate the new year by partying or otherwise? Why can't it pass and feel like a night like any other? Is there really anything inherently important in the night of new year's eve? Or is it really just an excuse to gather and have a wild time, the same way birthdays and valentines day give people an excuse (or a reminder) to buy a gift for that special someone.

Like why the hell would I want to celebrate my own birthday?