Last day of undergraduate studies

Went to play board games with a bunch of homosexuals yesterday. Need I specify that they were homosexuals? No, I need not. That was just to grab your attention. If your attention was grabbed, then good. If it was not, nevermind - do read on.

Went to play board games with a bunch of homosexuals yesterday. It can't be helped. Games are for me a fundamental part of pleasure, and I needed to scout for people to boost the circumference of my gaming circle. This seems strange: given that I am the outsider to an established clique, I should be the one offering myself up to them, not try to absorb them to my side. But the point still remains. By getting to know more people who have an interest in board games, I might have more people show up the next time I have a board game session going.

Met in the evening. 8 of us ate 4 pizzas. Went to some casual cafe where we continued playing a card game with the company of some cheap alcohol. Friend accidentally broke a glass. Wasn't charged for both the glass and the drink, probably because the tab was discerned from the glasses from our table. Then again, the waitress was the one who cleaned up the broken pieces, so either she wasn't a good waitress or, figuring that her boss wouldn't find out that 1 glass is missing, she just couldn't be bothered. If I were in her position, I wouldn't have bothered either.

Went to school earlier for lunch, before my last undergraduate exam. Bumped into a classmate, who invited me to join him and his sister. I said "It's ok", but he insisted. Took my food to the table, and then I realised I didn't know the name of my classmate, so I just said "I'm his friend" and joined her. Realising that it probably isn't a good thing to have been in a small class with someone for 3 months and still not know one's name, I thought I would ask his sister his name. And then I realised that this isn't a good idea, for she might inform her brother of my question, and that wouldn't reflect well on me. Took my standard way out of this, which is to enquire how might one go about adding one on Facebook. This is not completely failsafe though, for sometimes the other party would tell me to "just search my name, you'll find it", and I'll be back to square one.

Chatted with a few of my other classmates before the exam venue opened. Didn't enquire about their Facebook names because I knew their real names. It struck me then that to younger students near us, we would have come across as a jovial, care-free close-knit bunch. When I was in my younger years, I remember forming such an opinion of a History Honours class who were in the same exam venue. Then, they seemed so care-free and relaxed. It isn't the case we were close-knit, and this seems to suggest that my past opinion of the History Honours class was wrong.

Close-knit or not, some of my peers would be graduating this semester. I won't be seeing them for a long time, if ever. They would be moving on with life, our sporadic interactions in class or in corridors to recede further and further into the past. For some of the rest, I would probably be seeing them again in 3 months time. Some of them I will see in school, some of them I will see outside school, some of them I will see both inside and outside school. Some of their names I will get to know, some of their names I will have to acquire through covert inquiry.

Fun times ahead in any case.

R and J

Watched Romeo and Juliet. Not bad, probably rate it 3.3/5. I'm not a Shakespeare person. Why watch it then? To educate myself, really. To gain more exposure. It can't be helped. Shakespeare is fundamental to literature, and Romeo and Juliet is probably one of the most recognizable plays ever. This particular investment of time and money wasn't in vain. I liked the flowing rhythm of the dialogue (courtesy of Shakespeare) and Ivan Heng's light touches to the play. I also liked how vaguely quaint the Shakespearean English came across with the Singaporean accent. Singaporeans can do Shakespeare without coming off as pretentious, artificial or ineloquent.

Didn't stay out late. Tired now. Needed to really concentrate during the play, it being mostly in free verse and non-contemporary English.

Hungry for Games too

Pleasantly surprised when a philosophy peer asked me out earlier today. I tend to like spontaneous outings a lot. Dinner at a casual restaurant, we were directed to a table with 2 seats when there were a few vacant tables with 4 seats despite some initial reservations on our part. Friend just told the waiter we were expecting someone else, and the waiter had no choice but to yield. One advantage of being an error theorist, my friend later quipped. (An error theorist is one who believes moral judgments express beliefs, but they express beliefs about nothing true in this world; myself, I am at parts a noncognitivist, at parts an error theorist)

Caught The Hunger Games. Ok at best, would watch on the TV again but only for the attractive female lead, who could portray both strength and vulnerability well. Build-up was slow and not too subtle, but I might have felt that way because I had read the book before. The more serious defect was that it glossed over some more important aspects of the story while still showing many unimportant bits. There was supposed to be a kind of ambiguity in the relationship between the 2 leads, for example. And overall I just couldn't connect with any of the characters well, not even the attractive female lead. The stakes were never high enough for me consequently. Many of the characters' motivations were not well-developed too, leaving some of their behavior mildly confusing and hollow. What saved the film was some decent directing, some decent acting, and some decent music. These were enough to make scenes like Rue's death and the 2 leads kissing, while not exactly impactful, not exactly cringeworthy either.

How come no spoiler alert one?

Phillip Glass - Mad Rush

Watched Freud's Last Session last night. Not bad. Crisp dialogue, fine rhythm throughout. Philosophical musings brought nothing new to the table. Probably hard to bring anything new to the table with the philosophy of religion these days. But the pacing and the humour in the play made sure we didn't linger on too long there. Overall, good value for $11.

Stayed out late. The cab I took sped at 120km/hr down the SLE. There weren't many vehicles in sight. A sleeping passenger beside me. A fundamental loneliness. A fundamental peacefulness. I was tired too, I still had impending deadlines. The street lamps stretched endlessly before me, they as indifferent to me as I was to them. I wished the trip could have been longer. I watched the long orange-lit road ahead for the most part, I watched it for a long time.

Hmm

It is perhaps apt that, nearing the end of my undergraduate days, I now face one of the greatest challenge I've come across in these 4 years. It comes in the form of a 4000 word Nietzsche paper. I use the word challenge here charitably. I don't mean to say the assignment is a great intellectual exercise that challenges my intellectual limits. This paper is a great challenge because I feel extremely little motivation to do it. The challenge consists of me being able to muster enough motivation so that I can complete this paper in a minimally satisfying way.

I have little motivation for a few reasons, but the main thing really is that I don't feel excited with his texts. Continental - or, at least, non-analytic philosophy and I don't mix. I'm out of my element here. I really should have known better. In fact, I did know better. But I either overestimated the compensation I thought the lecturer - himself a fairly analytic person I quite like - would provide, or underestimated the fuzziness of the texts. Maybe both.

Anyway, in line with my general lack of motivation to make any sort of progress on this paper, I played an Agricola game online a few nights ago. I was accused of kingmaking toward the end of the game. Agricola is a game usually played between 4 players, and the player with the best score at the end of the game wins. Kingmaking happens when a player who is not in the running to win makes a move that does not maximise his own score, but which blocks a contender from a crucial spot he might need in order to win. In other words, kingmaking happens when you make a poor move for yourself, but your questionable move also harms another's chance to win. This matter of kingmaking is an interesting one, for some people have pointed out that lots of kingmaking moves go on throughout the whole game - it is only at the last round of the game that it becomes especially salient. On what basis then do we say kingmaking is bad? Others have pointed out that the underlying assumption that players should have the primary goal of maximising their own scores is flawed. The debate merits its own discussion, but I won't pursue that here.

I was indignant when the player ranted at me, at first. I had thought that me and him were in the running to win, and my move furthers my position relative to his - in other words, it was a reasonable move. But as the person railed on and on I realised that he was right - it was a kingmaking move, because I was not in the contention to win: he and another player were, and I had severely harmed his chances to win.

I was going to apologise when this player said some hurtful things. I'm not sure if I felt anything at all then. It was a most interesting feeling. I stared at the computer screen, at his words, and I just looked on with impassivity. I could distinctly feel myself breathing very, very slowly. His words continued to spill out, some people watching the game spoke up on my behalf, defending my move, and I was still breathing slowly, looking on with nothing much really registering in my mind. I made the decision then not to apologise, but it didn't feel as though I made the decision; it felt as though I was just pushed by a certain force to do so. I felt like a leaf being carried by a wind, and, in retrospect, I must say it was a very nice feeling. It's the kind of feeling one might have while having sexual intercourse, or while giving an important presentation. You feel that nothing you are doing at the moment matters at all, you are just experiencing the passage of time. You are experiencing the true essence of life, which is nothing but the muted passage of time.

That's that. After those moments were over I felt kind of sad. I was sad because the player who ranted against me was someone I got along with, someone I frequently joked around with. (I've sort of built up a reputation as being a light and interesting player, and am sometimes referred to as the clownlady). How fast relationships sometimes change. Events in a short period of time can easily undo anything accrued over a long period of time. I was also sad because I had thought myself as a competent player. I have won some of the top players on the site - and it is by no means an exaggaration to say that the top players on the site are also some of the top players in the world. The qualification here is that the game is not played by many in the first place. (Still, I've met some very incisive people on the site, a fair number of whom are doing their postgraduate studies or have already done so.) Another qualification here is that I don't win the top players on a frequent basis. More often than not, they would do better than me. I don't consider myself a top-tier player, though I would have thought I can hold my own against many of them (that is, not get defeated too easily). This particular incident made me rethink myself as a competent player. It was a gross mistake a competent player shouldn't have made, I'm not sure how I even made such an oversight.

I've come to realise that, this incident aside, I've made some errors in my behavior in recent times. I've done, said, and felt many things that were not commensurate with, or justified by, the beliefs and goals I implicitly have. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not even sure if there's anything I need to do. I think I would let nature run its course. Let the wind take me to wherever it does. There's nothing much to do while that's happening, but I don't think that's such a bad thing.

Swim

I was out having lunch at Toa Payoh Central when I saw a fellow Philosophy Major who is doing his Honours Presentation tomorrow, as I am. (I've already did mine some months back but I had volunteered to do so again) I couldn't believe my eyes at first because, really, what are the chances you see the only other person who is presenting along with you the following day, picking PE shorts on a typically warm and lazy Singaporean afternoon, at such a time and place that allows you to pick him out after your typically warm and lazy afternoon meal consisting of minced meat noodles iced milo and some yoghurt. If I had not bought a cup of yoghurt, I would have missed him. If he had walked a bit slower and missed his train, I would have missed him too.

A maths friend once pointed out to me that humans attach special significance to certain states of affairs, such that it would seem incredibly improbable they do happen. It's like seeing a special significance in the number 424,211 out of the numbers 1 to 1 million, when really there are so many other numbers out there that have the same incredulous probability should they happen to be picked. I don't disagree. If I had spotted, say, a primary school friend instead, I would be focusing on different aspects of commonality we might share, in such a way that it would seem that the chances of bumping into that very person would be just as low as bumping into this philosophy peer of mine, if not lower. But the thing to note here is that this still doesn't detract from the wonder one might have in encountering that perhaps arbitrarily picked out state of affairs. The universe might be a neutral entity, but we are not.

He was in Toa Payoh for a swim. He likes swimming. So I asked, what about the presentation tomorrow. And he said he would finish his preparation later, swimming helps him take his mind off things. I said that that's good, and I told him I would see him tomorrow.

More tentative stuff

Met some people who are interested in picking up a play of mine.

We were to meet at some cafe but it was too crowded. So the director said let's do it in a hotel lobby. But that was too crowded too, so she asked: wanna go explore the hotel? And me and a friend said sure. I like how uninhibited these people are. I'm pretty sure some other people I know would have at least given some pause here, it being the case we were uninvited guests in a fairly posh hotel. Most of the levels had restricted access - one had to have a card to access those levels. But we still managed to sneak up to the cafe by the hotel pool. The important thing to note here is no one batted an eyelid. There wasn't even a palpable sense of adventure running through us. It implied a common understanding that really, none of us care too much about social propriety. Such things are not new to me, and it probably wasn't new to them.

That's that. The people I met were artistic people who spoke in a certain way. I was quite pleased throughout the meeting, for 3 reasons. 1) I had thought the meeting was to discuss my script. But they had already decided they wanted to stage it. There are many weak scripts these days, the director said. This is a strong one, and I want to go ahead and do it. And the rest agreed. 2) They were not fluffy, dreamy, idealistic, as one might have thought. (I say this from experience - I sometimes build castles in the air too) The discussion was pretty concrete and concrete steps and plans were set. I mentioned previously that there are some people you meet in life who make you feel you're in good hands when they say things like "I'll look into the matter". I didn't exactly get that feel, but I could sense some level of genuine passion and commitment from them, and maybe that's all we need now.

3) Because the discussion was pretty concrete, I gained some insights into theatre production. I now know the difference between a producer, production manager, and stage manager. I found out that rental of space for rehearsals for a project of this small scale would probably amount to $4000. I am witnessing first-hand the genesis of a play, how ideas float about, get penned down on pieces of paper, the process of recruiting a core team, applying for grants, everything.

That's that. The production, if it does make it in the end, would be nonprofessional. That's not optimal, because I really do need a professional play to get my name officially out there. But I can't complain, given that I am an amateur myself, and given that I haven't put in effort in marketing myself yet. That will come in due time - I need to get my studies settled first. I'm still glad people have expressed interest in my script though, and we'll see where this goes.

Given that one could enter the 4th level of the hotel, one could also use its swimming pool for free - there are even showers provided. This is something I must look into in due time too.