On breakups
I was listening to the radio once when the deejay said to a person who called in, wah you and your partner been together for 2 years already? Thats quite long! The other deejay said yea nowadays breakups are so common 2 years is good already.
There are quite a number of reasons why people break up. I thought about it further and my idea is that almost all these reasons can actually be traced back to a single prime factor that determins the success or failure of a relationship: your motive for going into one in the first place. The following are what I would call weak motives, and are bound to lead to the failure of a relationship in the majority of circumstances:
1) The physical attraction motive. Probably the most common. Any relationship that exists because one party finds the other pretty, handsome, sexy, cute, will fail quite terribly. Probability may save it, where if lucky the two parties will have a reasonable degree of chemistry; however their motive will still dictate their behaviour and they are apt to fall for other parties as quickly as they fell for each other, thus resulting in affairs and/or a weakening of interest in the current relationship.
2) The biological motive. This must be separated from the above. Biologically, historically speaking, humans are attracted to each other to form a family unit. When I ask some people whether they plan to get married in the future, they say, of course, as if it were a matter decided already. When I ask them why they usually say, to start a family. This in itself is no problem, since we can assume that these people would be careful in choosing a suitable mating partner. However sometimes such a motive influences a person's scope of partners subconsciously or otherwise. The most prevalent example of this is females looking for security in their boyfriends. If you are in a relationship just to have a sense of security I think you are a very terrible person with a very terrible life.
3) The loneliness motive. I'm guessing that a lot of people in relationships don't think that they are in it because they need it just not to feel lonely. People who don't receive much attention from family members are usually guilty of this. I feel that these people want a partner to replace the family love that have been lacking in their lives so far, and when they discover that the other party doesnt give that kind of fulfilment they feel no better than where they started off from. Such people also usually go into the relationship looking for simple friendship, but when the other party expects a more intimate relationship the cracks appear and neither gets what they want.
4) The reactionary motive. There are two aspects of this. One is the pressure to have a partner because everyone is having one, or everyone seems to be content having one. People think that it's a nice life to say, talk to someone late into the night, or feed each other ice-cream, or things like that. When such ideals fail they move on endlessly. The other part to this is the (usually) female reaction to a male's overtures. When a male shows interest in a female the female usually feels flattered. Over a time of pursuit the female may react to his actions and be touched by his sincerity. What she eventually does is accept his sincerity but not his person. Over a time of interaction either the sincerity wears off or the effects of sincerity on the female wears off, and thats where the cracks appear and insincerity surfaces.
Not all relationships are doomed to fail given these motives, however. We must note that humans have ways to adapt to each other. If the two persons' character are not too abrasive they may eventually find common ground to take off from. How long they remain flying is probably a function of how well they can fly together and how weak their motives for going into a relationship are. In any case, people who repeatedly fall in and out of relationships usually have weak motives for going into one in the first place, and they should start looking at themselves first before they start looking at others.
There are quite a number of reasons why people break up. I thought about it further and my idea is that almost all these reasons can actually be traced back to a single prime factor that determins the success or failure of a relationship: your motive for going into one in the first place. The following are what I would call weak motives, and are bound to lead to the failure of a relationship in the majority of circumstances:
1) The physical attraction motive. Probably the most common. Any relationship that exists because one party finds the other pretty, handsome, sexy, cute, will fail quite terribly. Probability may save it, where if lucky the two parties will have a reasonable degree of chemistry; however their motive will still dictate their behaviour and they are apt to fall for other parties as quickly as they fell for each other, thus resulting in affairs and/or a weakening of interest in the current relationship.
2) The biological motive. This must be separated from the above. Biologically, historically speaking, humans are attracted to each other to form a family unit. When I ask some people whether they plan to get married in the future, they say, of course, as if it were a matter decided already. When I ask them why they usually say, to start a family. This in itself is no problem, since we can assume that these people would be careful in choosing a suitable mating partner. However sometimes such a motive influences a person's scope of partners subconsciously or otherwise. The most prevalent example of this is females looking for security in their boyfriends. If you are in a relationship just to have a sense of security I think you are a very terrible person with a very terrible life.
3) The loneliness motive. I'm guessing that a lot of people in relationships don't think that they are in it because they need it just not to feel lonely. People who don't receive much attention from family members are usually guilty of this. I feel that these people want a partner to replace the family love that have been lacking in their lives so far, and when they discover that the other party doesnt give that kind of fulfilment they feel no better than where they started off from. Such people also usually go into the relationship looking for simple friendship, but when the other party expects a more intimate relationship the cracks appear and neither gets what they want.
4) The reactionary motive. There are two aspects of this. One is the pressure to have a partner because everyone is having one, or everyone seems to be content having one. People think that it's a nice life to say, talk to someone late into the night, or feed each other ice-cream, or things like that. When such ideals fail they move on endlessly. The other part to this is the (usually) female reaction to a male's overtures. When a male shows interest in a female the female usually feels flattered. Over a time of pursuit the female may react to his actions and be touched by his sincerity. What she eventually does is accept his sincerity but not his person. Over a time of interaction either the sincerity wears off or the effects of sincerity on the female wears off, and thats where the cracks appear and insincerity surfaces.
Not all relationships are doomed to fail given these motives, however. We must note that humans have ways to adapt to each other. If the two persons' character are not too abrasive they may eventually find common ground to take off from. How long they remain flying is probably a function of how well they can fly together and how weak their motives for going into a relationship are. In any case, people who repeatedly fall in and out of relationships usually have weak motives for going into one in the first place, and they should start looking at themselves first before they start looking at others.